Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
