God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You are a genius and a whore.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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