I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
