You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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