What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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