Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's shark week go big or go home
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
