please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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