oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
