I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
