her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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