I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
