No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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