What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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