He asked to "fluff my boner.."
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
