You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
