like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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