Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
