my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
