I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
