I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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