i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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