After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize