Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
