my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
