When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
