I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize