to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
