I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
