apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
