Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize