If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
