Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
