I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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