You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You are the jesus of drinking
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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