kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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