My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize