i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize