is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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