you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she told me i tasted like america
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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