do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
