Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
