hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
