Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
