then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
