On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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