every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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