You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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