Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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