he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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