Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
