I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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