Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
