areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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