if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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