real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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