I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize