Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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