She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
