o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
