So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
