My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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