you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
either way he was missing a nipple.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
