please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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