i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
