I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I would ride that face into the sunset
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
