that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
